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Archive for March, 2010

Identity…

It happens every few months like clockwork. I am almost positive that if I tried to calculate the next one, it should be due around August or September. I am a terribly predictable person. That is just the way it goes I guess.

So what is so very predictable about me? What happens ever few months? The answer is quite simple: a crisis of identity. I lose who I am…or at least who I thought I was. Nothing drastic happened. No one died. No one was born. No one crushed me with uncaring words. I just freaked out on the inside.

I have recently allowed myself to truly enjoy life and to feel confident about myself and my abilities. Crazy, isn’t it? I’ve started truly having fun and trying not to over-analyze everything. Unfortunately, my crisis point hit this last week. Suddenly, I felt like I had lost myself and everything I knew to be true about myself. I guess I still feel that way now, but I’m trying to shuffle through the multitude of thoughts and feelings.

Let me lay out the ideas that have been floating in my head:

Pre-conceived notions about myself include, but are not limited to: An overbearing feeling of self-consciousness and the belief that I am not really that good at anything; the idea that I cannot seem to find my place in this world; the belief that I was never really meant to have friends which explains the constant loneliness that never seems to depart; the fear of disappointing those I love dearly, including my husband and my parents (both actual and in-laws); and the over-arching concept that I am not allowed to be happy because I almost always focus on the negative and I don’t always believe I’m good enough to be truly joyful. It’s a weird mess of insecurity and a negative attitude, but that’s the “me” that I’ve known for years. She might change a little but not enough for me to feel as thought I’ve lost her.

But suddenly, here I am and I don’t know who I am anymore. I’ve developed some sense of self-confidence that was not there before. I actually have a sense of self-worth. Say what?!?! I didn’t even know I was capable of that. I don’t get depressed often anymore and I haven’t had the urge to cut in a long time. *Sidenote – I haven’t cut myself in almost 3 years. Yup, I’m a little bit proud. :)* I’ve actually spent time with friends, though I am hesitant to go head and heart first into a friendship, I’m trying to be as transparent as I can be. Life is good. I don’t have any reason to not be happy.

So why can’t I just accept that idea? What is it that is holding me back? Why do I have to hold onto this image of myself as though it’s worth something other than an old, battered image of myself? Why can’t I enjoy moving forward into a far more positive light?

I have plenty of speculations and ideas. I’m an over-thinker. It’s what I do. I think and think and then think some more. I cannot tell you how many hours I have spend thinking and analyze the tattoo I plan on working up the courage to get in April. I’m tired of thinking. I’m tired of second guessing myself. I just want to accept the changes going on within me as a positive thing and not worry about consequences and possible regrets. Carpe diem. Seize the day. Not the past, but the day. So here I go. I’m seizing happiness and the adventure of figuring out who I am. I’m not sure what’ll happen. But let’s find out….

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