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Archive for August, 2010

Senior Year

In 140 hours I begin my official senior year of college at good ol’ Warner University. It’s finally here. Six years after my senior year of high school, I will officially be done with a degree that was supposed to take only 4 years. When I look back over the road that brought me to this point, I don’t regret it. It’s been bumpy and a bit longer than some of those I graduated with back in 2005, but I’m thankful for it.

During this span of six years I have moved 1800 miles away from home to live with my grandmother and start college; I switched my major 3 times before I figured out that what I really want to do is cosmetology – which is a program I will hopefully being after I graduate from Warner; I met the man of my dreams, fell in love, and got married; I took a year off in the middle to just enjoy being married; I grew to love God as something more than a dude I read about in the Bible because I have to; as I’ve grown spiritually, I’ve also watched myself stumble; I overcame cutting with God’s help and those around me, while for the first time in my life speaking about my struggles with some type of transparency; we’ve moved cities and got a puppy; we attended my parents’ 25th wedding anniversary, which was amazing!; life just keeps moving. It won’t stop and so neither can I. This year I’m going to give it my all and end with a bang! I hope to grow intellectually and spiritually, while learning how to use my gifts and talents to better serve God and the church as a whole.

Let’s see what happens!

May 2011 here I come!

“Pretty Little Liars”

Yes, I’m watching the cheesy show on ABC Family. Yes, I’m working my way through the book it’s based on. Yes, I’m a dork. What’s new?

Well, since you were wondering what’s new, I realized something that may not be new but is still a fact. Even though my life is confusing and stressful, my spiritual life is semi-falling apart in front of my eyes, and I’m lonelier than I’ve been in years, I still wind up going to church and saying “Everything is fine. Life is great! Couldn’t be better! God and I are doing just peachy keen.” There I go again. Lying my pretty little head off.

Why is it that the second anyone enters any type of social situation – church, work, school, etc. – all the negative aspects of life are forced to hide in the shadowy corner and only the positive stuff is allowed to be portrayed? Why is it that when someone asks me how my day is I feel obligated to share only happy things? On the flip side, though, when someone dumps all their baggage on you when you were only asking how they were because it’s the “right thing to do”, don’t you get a little freaked out? So my thought is, “why burden them with things they don’t want to hear about?”.

This mindset has led me here. To this mess. In an attempt to save the rest of the world from having to try and deal with all of my messy burdens, I’ve isolated myself so much that I don’t have anyone to talk to. The things that are falling apart in my life keep falling and I don’t have enough hands to catch all the pieces. And those pieces can be sharp sometimes. In my minimal attempts to reach out to others, I’ve still wound up right back here. Now I’m just part of the giant masquerade going on around me. How can I talk about the struggles in my marriage, my desire for an accountability partner, my struggle to balance studying the bible as a textbook for school and reading it as a devotional for my soul, whether or not the ministries I am involved in are truly what God designed me to do, my fears of failing, how I almost threw away three years of hard work because I was depressed and hurt, how I don’t actually know how to study the bible, how I desire transparency, or even how about how the girl I worked so hard to be friends with doesn’t even care about me and went running back to her other friends without even a goodbye? Please, someone, tell me how I am supposed to talk about those when I’m not sure where I begin and the mask ends?

So there it is. I’m a disaster waiting to happen. I’m the girl with an eating disorder sitting by the toilet with a decision to make (figuratively, by the way). I’m the deer in the forest that heard a twig snap and doesn’t know whether to run or stay. I’m the glass falling off of the table. I’m (fill in the blank with your own analogy because I’m out of them). I do believe I’m going to go cry now because that is what girls do after they spill their guts through a keyboard. I wish I could say this out loud but alas I cannot seem to find the right words to do so. I’m not nearly so creative verbally. Tchao.

“Let love explode……”

“Let heaven roar and fire fall come shake the ground with the sound of revival….My God’s not dead He’s surely alive He’s living on the inside roaring like a lion” -DCB

This song found its way into my heart and resonates with each beat. I will admit I didn’t care for it as much the first time I heard it, but that’s not abnormal with me. I like songs I can sing to without feeling like an idiot because I don’t know the words. The CDs that receive the most airtime in my car usually are the ones I know all the words too (yes, Lostprophets, I’m talking about you). That’s simply how I prefer to do things.

Now, the words of this song are stuck in my head…and my heart. I’m ready for a revival. I’m ready to hear the lion roaring in my heart that is the sound of my God who loves me more than I could even begin to dream about. Maybe this is a vain wish that will pass as soon I switch CDs. Maybe this yearning is coming from my deep desire to rejuvenate myself with my summer semester of school almost being done and knowing that in less than a year I will FINALLY graduate college, which is exciting and scary. Maybe this is just coming from my heart. Maybe it’s just that simple. My heart wants change. My heart wants to figure out what my spiritual gifts actually are so I can use them properly instead of just filling a hole in the church circuit to make sure it runs. My heart wants to do more than pretend. My heart wants more. I want more.

And so here I am – on the edge of a revival of my soul. Let’s see what happens. This time, I’m diving in. This time I’m going to do whatever it takes. This time I might have to make changes in my life that might upset some people, but I have to. So with this confession, “Let heaven roar and fire fall come shake the ground with the sound of revival….My God’s not dead He’s surely alive He’s living on the inside roaring like a lion”


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