Yes, I’m watching the cheesy show on ABC Family. Yes, I’m working my way through the book it’s based on. Yes, I’m a dork. What’s new?
Well, since you were wondering what’s new, I realized something that may not be new but is still a fact. Even though my life is confusing and stressful, my spiritual life is semi-falling apart in front of my eyes, and I’m lonelier than I’ve been in years, I still wind up going to church and saying “Everything is fine. Life is great! Couldn’t be better! God and I are doing just peachy keen.” There I go again. Lying my pretty little head off.
Why is it that the second anyone enters any type of social situation – church, work, school, etc. – all the negative aspects of life are forced to hide in the shadowy corner and only the positive stuff is allowed to be portrayed? Why is it that when someone asks me how my day is I feel obligated to share only happy things? On the flip side, though, when someone dumps all their baggage on you when you were only asking how they were because it’s the “right thing to do”, don’t you get a little freaked out? So my thought is, “why burden them with things they don’t want to hear about?”.
This mindset has led me here. To this mess. In an attempt to save the rest of the world from having to try and deal with all of my messy burdens, I’ve isolated myself so much that I don’t have anyone to talk to. The things that are falling apart in my life keep falling and I don’t have enough hands to catch all the pieces. And those pieces can be sharp sometimes. In my minimal attempts to reach out to others, I’ve still wound up right back here. Now I’m just part of the giant masquerade going on around me. How can I talk about the struggles in my marriage, my desire for an accountability partner, my struggle to balance studying the bible as a textbook for school and reading it as a devotional for my soul, whether or not the ministries I am involved in are truly what God designed me to do, my fears of failing, how I almost threw away three years of hard work because I was depressed and hurt, how I don’t actually know how to study the bible, how I desire transparency, or even how about how the girl I worked so hard to be friends with doesn’t even care about me and went running back to her other friends without even a goodbye? Please, someone, tell me how I am supposed to talk about those when I’m not sure where I begin and the mask ends?
So there it is. I’m a disaster waiting to happen. I’m the girl with an eating disorder sitting by the toilet with a decision to make (figuratively, by the way). I’m the deer in the forest that heard a twig snap and doesn’t know whether to run or stay. I’m the glass falling off of the table. I’m (fill in the blank with your own analogy because I’m out of them). I do believe I’m going to go cry now because that is what girls do after they spill their guts through a keyboard. I wish I could say this out loud but alas I cannot seem to find the right words to do so. I’m not nearly so creative verbally. Tchao.