“…and she always faces tomorrow with a smile. When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say, and she always says it kindly.” Proverbs 31 – The Message
I have never been one to believe that when a person randomly thinks of a verse from the Bible that it is meant to truly inspire them. I’m a skeptic of sorts. I know that person truly believes it is a message from God, but I have a little more hesitancy. I might change my mind though.
I’ve spent most of this week in heavy debate over whether a decision I am trying to make has pass or fail consequences, or even right or wrong answers. It is a decision I have been wrestling with for about two years now and here I am, with a deadline in place, still wrestling. Stupid brain for not shutting off. Ugh. I just want to get past my fears of regrets and my fear of hurting others’ feelings, and make a decision that is right for me, in this exact moment in time. This decision affects me and only me. No one else. Then why, oh why, am I still wrestling with it? WHY?
I’ll tell you why. BECAUSE I AM A PERFECTIONIST. A stupid, stubborn perfectionist who does not want to disappoint anyone, does not want to be judged as someone with poor character, and does not want to disappoint God. My perfectionism is killing my joy. My joy has slowly been dying and I am just now realizing it. This is my last-ditch effort to save it. I have to save it. It can’t die. I can’t be that joyless person.
Which leads me to the verses from the beginning. A woman of God faces the future with a grin. She’s satisfied with her decisions and she’s ready to answer to God without shame or regret. She’s joyful. She’s so focused on God that everything falls into place. It’s a beautiful picture. Absolutely wonderful.
That’s what I want. That will save my joy. I can do that…I think. I just need to learn to accept my decisions and not assume I am making the wrong choice. Life is not so black and white. There’s a lot more gray in there than I thought there was. I just need to let myself off the hook and allow myself the opportunity to make some mistakes, because at the end of the day, isn’t that what life is all about?