I have no free time. If I am not at school, I’m working on homework; if I’m not working on homework, I am at church; if I’m not at church, I am walking/playing/training our lovely puppy Casey; if I’m not involved with Casey, I am trying to catch a few minutes with my very busy husband. Life is just simply insane. The last thing I need to do is add more to my list…which is why I just had to add the new Beth Moore book to my gigantic pile of reading! So Long, Insecurity is a book focused purely on helping women overcome their constant insecurities. Though I am only two chapters into it, I feel as though she took my life and decided to lay all my insecurities out there for the world to see. The first things that hit me hard were her definitions of insecurity: “Insecurity refers to a profound sense of self-doubt – a deep feeling of uncertainty about our basic worth and our place in the world. Insecurity is associated with chronic self-consciousness, along with a chronic lack of confidence in ourselves and anxiety about our relationships. The insecure man or woman lives in constant fear of rejections and a deep uncertainty about whether his or her own feelings and desires are legitimate.” Wow. Really? How is it that a woman I’ve never met can read me so well? After reading that definition, I knew that if Beth Moore asked me to jump in order to discover how I could heal myself from this chronic, debilitating problem, I would have asked how high. A few pages later she sucked me in even farther: “The insecure person also harbors unrealistic expectations about love and relationships. These expectations, for themselves and for others, are often unconscious. The insecure person creates a situation in which being disappointed and hurt in relationships is almost inevitable. Ironically, although insecure people are easily and frequently hurt, they are usually unaware of how they are unwitting accomplices in creating their own misery”. And there it is. My life unfolded in the printed word and not written by my own hand. Let me elaborate a smidge. I question every decision I ever make, wondering if it’s the right decision or if I am being to hasty and need to keep pondering. I always think people who are unfriendly and short toward me are angry at me because I did something wrong. I ALWAYS think I am the one at faults. ALWAYS. I rarely hold onto friends long because I have a tendency to pick the toxic friends who are flaky and unreliable. If I think people are becoming distant, I will be the one to push them away first to avoid more hurt and disappointment at the failed friendship. When the friendship does fail, because it almost always does, I reflect upon it and decide I am just not good enough to have any friends. I have created my own self-fulfilled prophecy. I cannot tell you the countless hours I have spent wondering about my place in the world. The numerous prayers to God have come up empty and I am always left wondering why I am here at all. Some days I feel as though I have a grasp on my role, but give me a few days and I will lose any confidence in that security. It happens like clockwork. Like an endless cycle. I hate it. I hate me half the time. I hate that I hate me. Thus, the reason I am reading the book. Hopefully, Mrs. Moore will guide me through this minefield I have planted for myself without walking on the forgotten mines. I’ll let you know how it goes.
February 16, 2010