Marissa leaned back onto the cozy cotton comforter as she looked at the night sky. The crisp, clear sky allowed the stars to shine to their full potential tonight. For a short while, she lost herself in their beauty. There were just so many. Every direction she looked, they twinkled “hello”. But the comforting feeling soon began to edge away. She felt herself being sucked back into her private black hole despite all the beauty.
Alone. Here I am, all alone again. Nothing changes. It always ends up the same. Her sigh seemed to encompass her whole being.
Loneliness ate away at her soul. For years it always seemed to lurk in the background waiting for something to fall apart so it could pounce on its prey. Every time Marissa felt she was strong enough to move forward, she always fell backward. Nothing seemed to change.
“God, why?” The crack in her voice made her cringe. She knew the tears would follow soon. They always did. Tonight she was prepared though. A large box of Kleenex sat next the comforter. “I try. I put so much into these relationships and they always fall apart. ALWAYS. What am I doing wrong? Is it me? Is there something wrong with me? I just don’t understand why I don’t have any friends…it’s not like I haven’t tried. I’ve put forth every effort I know how to, God. I pray every day for a friend. What am I missing? WHAT?” Then the heaving tears flowed.
Now, Marissa had friends. She had plenty of friends. They called her for advice almost every day. She helped with their problems, encouraged them the best she knew how, and genuinely loved each of them. Though it helped them, it didn’t supply what she needed in a friendship. A person can only give so much of herself before she needs someone to help fill her back up. Marissa was running on empty. She wasn’t sure she could even give good advice anymore. She felt so unbelievably broken, like scattered puzzle pieces on the floor before assembly began. Only it seemed as though there was no one to start the assembly process.
For years, more accurately most of her life, she struggled with finding a real friend. A true blue best friend. She would have friends, people to confide in, laugh and cry with, and experience life with, but they never lasted more than a few months and when the relationship ended, she felt more empty than before it started. As a result, she tried experiencing life alone. Maybe then she wouldn’t get hurt. Unfortunately, that was worse. The loneliness grew worse, as did the depression.
Then for a while she reconnected with church, and most importantly, God. She thought that would help solve everything, but even as her relationship with God grew and her influence grew, she was still alone. Empty and alone.
“Life is meant to be done with other people,” the Pastor would say. “You can’t do this alone. You weren’t meant to be alone.”
Then why am I still alone? Why am I still friendless, God? Why? Why? Why? She asked herself every time he said those famous lines.
That night, lying underneath the black holes in the universe, Marissa knew she had God. She knew He wasn’t going anywhere. Her faith hadn’t wavered because of this plight. She also knew that right now she needed more. She needed something more tangible than God. She needed God and a good female friend. She needed a mentor, an accountability partner, something more than just a counseling session or a superficial conversation. She needed transparency, openness, love and consideration. She needed someone on the same wavelength as she was and the same maturity level….she just didn’t know where to start looking.
God, what do I do? Where do I look? What am I missing? You know what I need. How long must I wait?
She dried her eyes and gathered up the comforter. She had no answers. She knew she wouldn’t. She never did, but she still tried, hoping that God would show up as a burning bush and tell her exactly what she needed to do. At that moment, she was oh so jealous of Moses. He didn’t even have to ask for a sign and there it was, right in front of him. Stupid Moses, she thought as she headed inside.